I'm a TV Professional


Okay, here is my assignment, broken down step-by-step for the next 8-12 months. I have to complete each step before I move on to the next step, like taking a standardized test with a number 2. pencil or playing Mario Brothers. Except that if you get really good at Mario Brothers and start to get a conceptual feel for what makes it a great game and how you could make it an even better game you might grow up to be veeery wealthy, maybe even a m/billionaire. If you ace the the Number 2. pencil thing you could be clerk or work for The State. Wahey! I was crap at that Number 2. pencil thing, by the way. BUT my circles were always filled in completely inside the lines, and the graphite was very evenly distributed and there was always a wonderful sheen that was mesmerizing, at least to me. But apparently it was not a beauty contest.

Lisa's Cosmic Fabulous Assignment for the next 10 to 12 months!

Step One:

Watch as much comedy TV as possible between working hours. Yes, that's right, watch TV. And not just any comedy, but top-rated comedy. Cable and network. And keep watching until I find a show that I really, really like.

Step Two:
Watch every episode of the show, you know, the show I really really like. Watch every episode, it's an assignment. And there's more: read every script of every show of the comedy show that I really, really like. I have to do this. Oh twist my arm.

Intermission: Before I go on to the next step...
In the last two years I have hardly watched any TV at all. In fact I have not owned a TV for about 4 years now. I have lived in places where there is a TV, it's not like I'm a Luddite, I mean here I am on the Internet and everything, and as I type my iTunes is pumping out Gainsbourg/Birkin singing Je T'aime Moi Non Plus which I downloaded from the iTunes store. Jane is having her orgasm right now. So it's hardly like I am a purist. Oh, okay Jane's done now and here's Amy Winehouse and she is going to go Back to Black. But back to Jane Birkin, before I get back to the thing about why I don't have a TV. This is a huge digression, in fact it is a digression from a digression which would make it a quadression or disordered thinking on my part. But here is the story. About 4 years ago, OK, it's not disordered thinking! Yeah! It's all related and cosmic why Jane Birkin has something to do with me not having had a TV for 4 years how come I wrote a sitcom.

My father died just over 4 years ago and I left London, where I had a TV but gave it away b/c I thought I was leaving London forever. I moved to Houston where I was born, but not raised. It was a decision made out of grief, and it was the right decision for the time, but despite my nascent connection to Texas we are just not a good fit. Anyhow, I was working for an interior designer while in Houston. But not just any interior designer, she is a designer to the Super Rich. Her biggest client was the wife of an oil baron. She was in the process of making atonement for the disaster of the house bought and decorated while the ink was still wet on her husbands newly made fortune. In short she was eager to prove that after 5 years of marriage and no longer eaking out an existence on $30k a year as an office worker, she was officially "Old Money." So this new and improved house was demonstrating that she had come a long way, baby. And I am all for any kind of profligate spending that benefits me. And just to put things into perspective the client had already been billed for about $750,000 for antiques, fabric, design fees, etc. and the job was only about half done. So I was at her tacky first house dropping off some fabric swatches or something and she had two miniature schnauzers, which I love. I asked her their names as I let them jump all over me because I love dogs and let them do that to me. Here is how the rest of the conversation worked out:

The Client: This one is called Joy and this one is called Birkin.

Lisa: Oh, as in Jane?

The Client: No, after the bag.

Lisa: (beat, then) The bag.

The Client: From Hermes (pronounces her-mees)

Lisa: (beat, then) Which is named for Jane. Jane Birkin.

The Client: Jane Birkin?

Lisa: Jane Birkin, like the Kelly bag is named for Grace...

At this point I am trying to remember that she is the Client, and I am not supposed laugh or make eyes of disbelief or any outward gestures, movements or utterances that express what I am thinking. If I hadn't already emptied my bladder in her tacky powder room I would have wet myself trying to hold this panoply of emotions in. So I change the subject.

Anyhow, The Client provided lots of material for my sitcom.

Step Four:

I've forgotten what step four is because I am still reeling from the memory of Lifestyles of the Rich and Stupid in Houston. Oh, okay write a new beat sheet for the spec. script

Step Five:
Write it.

Then I don't know what is next. But so far we have a sitcom inspired by Jane Birkin, no not Jane Birkin, but a handbag named after Jane Birkin because she wanted a (Grace) Kelly only bigger, so she could, now this is this is purely speculation on my part, put a few extra things in her bag for assignations with Serge. Maybe some dirty magazines and some vegetable oil.